That's the poison, isn't it? Complacency.
I usually post my weigh in on Monday. It didn't get posted yesterday. I could give excuses about being tied up with school activities and hosting small group at our house last night. But that would be exactly what they are. Excuses.
Reality is, it isn't very motivating to sit down and write up a blog post on something that doesn't seem like success. In fact, upon closer inspection, has some telltale signs of faltering...weakness...failure.
Did I gain? No.
Did I lose? No.
Did I meet my February goal? No.
Am I devastated? No.
Am I frustrated? Yes.
Here's the thing...this time frustration does not come at the knowledge that I did everything I could and still didn't lose. The frustration is pointed at yours truly and is based on the knowledge that I didn't do everything I could...and the truth of that showed up loud & clear.
Yes, I wiped my brow with relief that there wasn't a gain. Who wants to blog about gaining weight on a weight loss blog? Yep, not me. But it is nearly equally not so fun to blog about not losing weight on a weight loss blog.
Here's the deal. Last week my weigh-in told the story of a staggering (and thoroughly unexpected) weight-loss of 4.5 pounds! I hadn't tried uber-hard that week. I hadn't worked out every day, hadn't tracked my calories every day. Perhaps that was the secret, my newly complacent mind began telling me. I must be able to have a good read on my body...I can estimate the amount of calories I am taking in...working out every day must not be necessary. I don't want to be a food Nazi, so having a piece of chocolate here and a small dipped cone from DQ there shouldn't tip the world off its axis...right?
Well, as I learn, yes AND no. It is true, I don't want to be someone who eats like a bird during this journey, refusing to let one grain of sugar/fat/carbs/whatever touch my lips. I will want ice cream again someday. I will allow myself to have a piece of chocolate on an occasional, appropriate time. There will be days that are so incredibly busy and packed full that there is no possibility of working out. These things will happen...so my rationale is, why not build that reality into my life while I'm on my weight loss journey so that when I finally meet my goal, the lifestyle of maintaining will pretty much be the same as the lifestyle of losing. Follow my train of thought here?
But this rationale walked a fine line with complacency this past week...and I'm 100% confident that is why no loss registered on the scale for this week.
Yes, I know - don't freak out Holly! You were only 1 pound away from the goal for the month. You did still lose 10 pounds in the month of February. You have lost 19 pounds in 2 months. You didn't fall off the wagon entirely...even the indulgences you did make this past week were calculated.
I know...and I'm not freaking out...but I am re-focusing. This (losing weight) is more than a hobby. It's more than an "I'll give it a try and see how I do". It is a MUST. No more yo-yo-ing. No more complacency. It.does.not.work.that.way.
So, rant completed, re-focus underway. March holds several goals, all of which are do-able...such as:
- Follow the C25K jogging plan
- Lose 10 more pounds
- Weigh in at 262 pounds by April 1, 2010
- Continue with menu-planning
- Workout a minimum of 5 days a week every week
- Track my food intake daily (I cannot estimate my consumption...I need the raw data!)
**Sunday morning I pulled my black pants out of my closet to put on for church. As I easily pulled them up I noticed the buttons on the pockets and thought "I don't remember buttons on these pockets". Then I realized something! I wasn't putting on my size 24 black pants. By mistake I had grabbed my size 22 pants...and they went on so easily! I ended up wearing them to church and felt so comfortable in them!
**So I went on to try on other size 22's in the closet...ya know, to make sure it wasn't a fluke or something. And they all fit comfortably! I think that means I can officially say that I've dropped down a size...hooray! One Weight Loss Bucket List item ACHIEVED!
**I see muscles. My things are starting to show muscle tone, which is remarkable because my thighs are also where I carry my weight (my thighs, hips and tummy are the main places my weight likes to 'hang out'). Not only that, my calves are starting to show that chiseled look too...and I love it!
**While I indulged probably a few too many times this past week, each indulgence was calculated and limited. In my previous life...the one that led me to be over 100 pounds overweight...I couldn't stop at just one or two treats. I'd eat the whole bag, the whole box, the whole pint...whatever it was, I'd keep going until I ate all of it. This week I: only took 2 dark chocolate hearts from the large pile of sweets offered to the moms at my son's Lego Club. When my husband and friends decided on a DQ run on Saturday night, I chose the small dipped cone rather than my fave Mud Pie Blizzard. When we went out to a celebratory dinner with friends (celebrating one of our friend's work accomplishments) I looked up the menu of the restaurant in advance and selected a meal that I know would be under 700 calories. When I wanted to eat all the goodies in my Goodie Bag on the way home from the blogging event, I only ate one. When I ran through the drive-thru with the kids, I got one cheeseburger. No fries. No pop. No second cheeseburger. Just one. No going off the deep end. No eating everything in sight. I do have control over my eating...it no longer controls me. That is a HUGE NSV.
Confessional from Past Life: Yesterday I was grocery shopping and saw a little boy running down the aisle with a box of donuts, begging his mom to buy them. That particular box of donuts struck a familiar chord with me. I babysat for kids to make money throughout college. One family I babysat for would ALWAYS have a box of these Entemann's donuts. The package of 12 donuts...3 cinnamon/sugar, 3 chocolate, 3 I-don't-know-what-but-topped-with-lots-of-crumbly-goodness and 3 plain (really? why include plain donuts with those other 3 options?). Back then every time I babysat I'd indulge in a donut or two. Yep, I wanted the whole box (minus the plain ones), but being that they belonged to the family I babysat for, I couldn't very well eat the whole box. At least not if I wanted them to continue asking me to babysit for their kids. So then one time at the grocery store I bought my own box of the Entemann's donuts. And I ate them all in one evening (minus the plain ones). That slowly turned into a habit. Every week or two, I'd plop a box of the donuts in my cart, knowing full well that usually all 9 donuts (cuz, ya know, I had no problems resisting the plain ones) would be consumed in a window of probably about 4 hours. Seeing that box of all-too-familiar donuts at the grocery store the other day did not fill me with temptation. It's been years upon years since I've even bought a box of those donuts. I replaced that vice with different ones. But remembering the weaknesses of the past powered up my strength for the present and the future. I don't need that box of donuts anymore (or any other eating vice for that matter). I don't even want them.
C25K Update: I was pleasantly surprised when the hubs said that he'd like to do the C25K with me! So yesterday we launched out with day 1 of the C25K plan. It involved running for 60 seconds, then walking for 90 and so on for 20 minutes. We also had a 5 minute warm-up and a 5 minute cool-down added on to that, for 30 minutes outside. Though we didn't talk much because we were counting and often breathless, it was great doing it with him. We will be running the Race for the Cure 5K on Mother's Day (May 9th) along with a few other friends.
Official Weigh-In on March 1, 2010: 272.2